


Taking Me Back

by nanifairy (ktwrites1530)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, I'm also not sure how this ends haha, M/M, bobhwan, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-02-26 02:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18714661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktwrites1530/pseuds/nanifairy
Summary: Jinhwan gets a surprise visit from the love of his life and now ex: Jiwon.





	1. But you won't let us move on

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter titles come from LANY's Taking Me Back.

Jinhwan wasn’t one for surprises.

Okay, maybe there were some surprises with good intentions behind them, but Jinhwan always liked to know what’s coming. He liked things following a plan, things that he could control.

And surprises weren’t under things he could control.

Especially ones like this.

When Donghyuk dropped by the conference room where Jinhwan had holed himself up because of his tens of deliverables due today and told him the receptionist said someone was looking for him at their office’s lobby, he didn’t get up right away. He didn’t even had time to spare for wondering who it could be. He finished sending and replying to the three emails that came in, and then emerged ten minutes later.

 _I wished I stayed in the conference room_ , Jinhwan thought, stopping in his tracks when he recognized a familiar figure talking to the receptionist. It felt like ice-cold water was running through his veins, and his world stopped for a few seconds. The receptionist threw back her head to laugh at something the man had said, and Jinhwan shook his head.

 _He always had this amazing appeal on people_.

Jinhwan sighed heavily. “What in the world are you doing here, Jiwon?” he said, unable to hide the annoyance in his voice.

Jiwon turned, flashing Jinhwan an unsure smile. He pocketed his hands in his jeans while rocking on the heels of his Nike sneakers. There was a colorful backpack slung over his shoulder and another black bag by his feet. He looked worse for wear—there were dark circles under his eyes, looking very sullen, and his hair looking harried than usual.

“You said I could come visit you,” Jiwon said, his voice coming out in a squeak. He cleared his throat, and then added, “So here I am, hyung. Visiting.”

Jinhwan opened his mouth but he couldn’t form the words, so he exhaled slowly instead. He counted to five, drawing out the seconds so it became ten instead of five. _That was out of courtesy, because of our history, but I didn’t think that you would actually follow-through on it,_ he wanted to say, but he thought against it.

“I was thinking along the lines of a planned visit, not drop-in ones like this,” he said instead, his tone resigned. He let the awkwardness hung in the air for a few seconds before walking towards Jiwon.

Jinhwan opened his arms and Jiwon met him halfway, walking into his hug. “But welcome,” he said, wrapping his arms around Jiwon’s waist. He felt Jiwon tuck his chin under his shoulder, inhaling him, as the younger guy hugged him back tighter. Jiwon held him for a few seconds longer than what Jinhwan would’ve wanted, and Jinhwan had to tap Jiwon on the shoulder so that the latter would release him.

“How long are you staying here for?” Jinhwan asked, motioning to the seats at the lobby.

“I’m catching the red-eye on Monday.”

“Okay,” Jinhwan said with a shrug. “So that’s three nights and two days.”

Jiwon sighed, a blush coloring his cheeks as he dropped his head, embarrassed. “I’m really sorry for just dropping in on you, Jinhwan hyung. I figured you’d just tell me you’re still busy, so you can’t accommodate me—”

“Or I could be away on a business trip. Or I already have plans for the weekend.”

Jiwon raised his head, narrowing his eyes at his hyung, inspecting. “Well, do you?”

Jinhwan rolled his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh. “No, I don’t. But I could have. Do you get my point?”

The younger guy made a motion as if he didn’t know what to do with his hands or how to react. “I’m sorry.”

“You already said that,” Jinhwan said, and the coldness in his voice made Jiwon shiver. Jiwon decided to take another route, stepping closer to Jinhwan. He reached for his hyung’s hands and then held him in his.

“But I am. I really am sorry.”

Jinhwan gazed into Jiwon’s eyes, the same eyes he had looked into for three years before they separated ways a year ago. To Jinhwan, their breakup was less than amicable, but so much had already passed that he could be civil with his ex now.

Jinhwan could still read Jiwon after a year apart, seeing sincerity in Jiwon’s eyes. He wondered if it was just the sudden drop-in that Jiwon was apologizing for or there was something else, but he ended up nodding. “Okay, so why are you here? Aside from the fact that you probably just miss me so much that a Skype call wouldn’t suffice.” He added a small smile to lighten up the atmosphere, and it worked.

Jiwon chuckled. “Well, I needed to take a break. Everything was a bit overwhelming at work.”

“That much that you needed to get out of the country, huh?” Jinhwan said, noting that Jiwon had to fly to Japan to see him.

“Yeah,” Jiwon said with a sheepish grin.

Jinhwan pulled his hands away from Jiwon’s, glancing at his watch and then at Jiwon. “I still have a long list of to-dos and a couple of hours to go before I can clock out. You have two options: you can leave your things with me, go to the mall a few minutes’ walk from here and explore, or I can give you the keys to my place, rest up, and we can meet up for dinner. Which one do you prefer?”

The options Jinhwan gave seemed to give Jiwon some sense of relief. “The second one. I haven’t had any decent sleep for weeks already.”

“Okay. Wait here.”

Jinhwan went back to the conference room, ripping a page from his notebook, and hastily wrote his home address and wi-fi username and password, knowing that the latter was essential. He fished for his keys and tried to recall if he had restocked his food and beverage items at his place, or if his home was even in a respectable form at all.

 _Well, you can’t fix anything in my house now, so let it go_ , Jinhwan told himself.

“What address did you put on your immigration form?” Jinhwan asked Jiwon when he got back to him. He handed him the keys and Jiwon slid them into his pocket, the Gryffindor keychain still peeking.

“Yours. I got it from Yunhyeong hyung.”

That made Jinhwan frown. “And he didn’t even ask why you needed my address?”

Jiwon shrugged. “I told him I want to send a care package to you.”

“Ah.”

That was an excellent excuse to pry his address from Yunhyeong, who would surely not give it to Jiwon had he known the man would fly in. “I think I still have some food in the fridge, if you get hungry. Cooked beef casserole a few days ago, so just reheat it.”

“Oh hey, look who cooks now?” Jiwon said with a teasing smile, and Jinhwan rolled his eyes.

“Hey, I cooked when we were—” He started to say, but he stopped himself. Jiwon caught that, and his smile faded.

“I miss your Jinhwan-style fried rice,” Jiwon admitted, his voice thoughtful. Before Jinhwan could reply, Jiwon picked up his other bag. “I’ll see you later.”

Jinhwan nodded, and he was about to enter his offices again when Jiwon called him. With his hand on the door, he turned.

“Thanks again,” Jiwon said, with a salute.

“Later,” Jinhwan replied, and then he headed inside the office before Jiwon could say anything more. He cruised past the cubicles until he reached the one that housed the person he was looking for.  

“Jinhwan hyung, what’s wrong?” Donghyuk said, his voice laced with concern. A deep frown etched his handsome face.

Jinhwan grabbed an empty swivel chair and sat on it. He placed his head in his hands, trying to calm his breathing. He was shaking—his hands shook, eyes welling up, and his lips quivered. It felt like he got sucker-punched in the gut out of nowhere, but he had managed to stave off the effects of the punch until he was ready to face it.

Donghyuk placed a hand on Jinhwan’s shoulder, squeezing. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”

“Jiwon’s here,” Jinhwan said throught his hands, so it came out muffled.

“What?!” Donghyuk exclaimed, and the older guy shushed him. Jinhwan emerged from his hands and looked at him, and he said, more quietly this time, “He is here? As in Kim Jiwon, the love-of-your-life-turned-ex?”

Jinhwan took another deep breath. The air in the room still didn’t seem to be enough. “Yes, he’s here.”

Donghyuk squeezed his shoulder again. “Why is he here?” he said, equally baffled.

“He said he wanted to visit. He needed a break from work?”

“Ohmygod.”

“Exactly.”

“ _Ohmygod_.”

Donghyuk was one of the witnesses to the rise and fall of his relationship with Jiwon, including the whirlwind courtship, the intense relationship, and the passionate fights that followed. Donghyuk and Yunhyeong were the first people that Jinhwan ran to when he and Jiwon decided to break it off, and they saw how devasted Jinhwan was when it happened.

 _We loved each other so much, how can it just end like this?_ Jinhwan remembered asking Donghyuk, and he never got an answer.

Jinhwan shook his head. “Donghyuk, I need you to be sane for me, okay? Because deep inside, I am panicking. The last thing I expected after flying here was to see him again. So please, be sane for me. I _need_ you sane.”

Donghyuk nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay.” Another deep breath. “So where is he now?”

“Headed to my place.”

“ _He’s staying at your place?!_ ”

Jinhwan raised an eyebrow and Donghyuk smiled. “Sane one, okay,” Donghyuk said. “I’m going to head down now and buy you a box of condoms and some lube, because you’ll never know.”

The older guy shoved Donghyuk playfully, and Donghyuk chuckled in response.

“No effing way, Donghyuk,” Jinhwan said, laughing along with him. “And what makes you think I don’t have those stocked at home?”  

When the laughter died down, Donghyuk made Jinhwan face him, placing both his hands on his hyung’s shoulders. “Hyung, you can do this. You’ve made so much progress. Think of him as a friend who’s staying over. Make his visit no different than when Yunhyeong hyung came here. That’s all there is, alright?”

Jinhwan took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Donghyuk held Jinhwan’s gaze. “You’ll be fine, hyung.”

“I know,” Jinhwan said, even if he didn’t believe it.


	2. Tangled in our thoughts, I just want to hold you

One should always have spare keys, Jinhwan had learned.

Jinhwan realized before he headed home that he had given his set of keys to Jiwon. Good thing that a few days after Jinhwan moved into his new apartment, he handed a spare set to Donghyuk, who kept it at his own place. They knew that Jinhwan was one of those people who were most likely to lock their keys inside their house or lose it, since it already happened a few times back when they were in Korea.

The lights were off when he pushed the door of his apartment with his foot, and he set the bags of groceries in his arms on the kitchen counter before flipping them on. He almost smiled when he saw Jiwon sleeping on the couch, one of his legs dangling from the edge. His shoes were still on, bags at the foot of the couch, his phone and the house keys on the center table. His mouth was slightly agape, letting out soft snores, and Jiwon rarely snored—he only did when he was fatigued. His shirt was pulled up by a bit, exposing a bit of that flat tummy.

This was why Jiwon wasn’t picking up when Jinhwan tried to reach him earlier.

Jinhwan approached him, depositing his own bags on the loveseat. He pulled Jiwon’s shirt down so that no skin was exposed, and then stood there, gazing at Jiwon.

“Oh Jiwon,” Jinhwan said with a sigh, a flurry of emotions flooding into his system. He couldn’t pinpoint how he should feel—was there a handbook on this, how to deal with an ex whom you thought you would be spending the rest of your life with until you realize that it was wrong, that you were the _worst_ when around each other, so you had to get out of the relationship?

Jinhwan gathered himself, as he needed to freshen up and then prepare their dinner. He didn’t think Jiwon would be in a mood to go out considering at how passed out he was on the couch. Jinhwan wasn’t in the mood either—ever since he moved to Japan, his Friday nights were usually spent of putting his feet up, trying to find some hidden gems on Netflix, drinking beer on bad weeks and cheap wine on good ones.

Friday nights were for breathing again.

Jinhwan went to his room, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his polo shirt. He changed into a clean pair of shirt and shorts, instead of going for his usual options: shirt and boxers, or no shirt and just boxers. Even if Jiwon had already seen, touched, and kissed him in all parts of his body that he thought was possible, he didn’t want to send Jiwon the wrong message by going out half-naked.

 _Donghyuk_. After Jinhwan told him to be sane enough, Donghyuk still bought him the lube and the box of condoms. “Hyung, he might still be too tempting for you and hit you at that moment of weakness! Better safe than sorry,” Donghyuk argued as he pressed the items to him along with the spare keys. “I don’t care what your reason would be for opening that box—that he needed all of the comfort that he could get because he’s obviously strung out, he seduced you into it, or you badly needed some release of your own, but _please_ , hyung, do not give in, okay? You’ve gotten this far.”

The items were in his bag, and Jinhwan swore to himself that they should still be unopened when Jiwon leaves on Monday.

Jinhwan went back outside, Jiwon still sound asleep. He knew even if he made a racket in the kitchen that Jiwon won’t wake up, but he still tried to move as quietly as possible. He unpacked his groceries, shopping more than usual as he was feeding another mouth this weekend, and placed the six-pack of beer in his fridge. Donghyuk disapproved that he added alcohol to his card, but Jinhwan shrugged him off. It was just a six-pack beer and nothing stronger than that.

Jinhwan took out his phone and reviewed the saved recipe that he was looking for. Chicken wings paired very well with beer, and it was one of the easier recipes to make. He had prepared this a couple of times before. The ones he had made, though, were nothing like the chicken wings he and Jiwon had from one of their favorite restaurants, but they come close. He would make three different flavors for tonight: the really spicy ones which were both their favorites, garlic parmesan, and salted egg ones that Jinhwan had started to like.

Jinhwan had already fried half of the chicken wings when Jiwon stirred awake. The kitchen clock told him it was almost 9PM, and he would wager a bet that Jiwon’s already starving. Jinhwan was, too, judging by the way his stomach has grumbled the past ten minutes. Jiwon sat up, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

“Jinani?” Jiwon called out. His just-woke-up voice was a pitch higher than his usual speaking voice and a bit hoarser.

Jinhwan froze—both because of the way that name naturally slipped out of Jiwon’s mouth and that the had missed Jiwon’s voice. He tilted his head to the side, as if clearing his head, and then replied, “Here.” He raised his tongs that he had in his hand and clinked them together. Jiwon squinted, eyes trying to adjust as the lights in the kitchen were bright while the living room lights were kept dim.

Jinhwan returned his attention to cooking to give Jiwon time to compose himself. Which was just in time as his hand was so close to the hot stove, making him cuss. He quickly pulled his hand away, and that was the scene that Jiwon saw.

“You alright, hyung?” Jiwon asked, walking over to where Jinhwan stood and reached to inspect his hand.

“Y—yeah,” Jinhwan replied, slightly distracted with Jiwon’s touch. He swallowed the lump in his throat, and then said, “I’m fine.”

After a beat and after considering if Jinhwan was telling the truth, Jiwon released his hand, and then grabbed a chair on the other side of the kitchen counter, taking a seat. Jinhwan fished the second batch of wings from the fryer and heaped them onto the growing pile on the plate. “Are you feeling a bit more rested now?”

Jiwon eyed the already cooked chicken wings, and Jinhwan could see the hunger in his eyes. The younger one inhaled deeply, and Jinhwan swore he could hear Jiwon’s stomach growl. Jiwon’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment, and then burst out laughing.

“When did you last eat?” Jinhwan asked, pushing the plate towards him. He then pointed to the two clean plates and set of utensils on the side of the kitchen counter, and Jiwon reached for them. “You can set up at the dining table,” Jinhwan told him.

“I last ate before my flight, which was… at noon.” Jiwon didn’t stand up, still watching Jinhwan, and then added, “The table’s a bit too far. I’d like to keep you company while you cook, so can I eat here?”

Jinhwan shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He placed the sauces next to the wings, and told him of the available flavors. “I haven’t coated them yet. Grab some of the ziplock and then coat the wings, will you?”

Jiwon did as he was instructed, taking the spicy sauce first. While he did that, he took the six-pack from the fridge and laid the beer on the counter. “And there’s rice in the cooker,” Jinhwan said, giving him a small smile.

When Jinhwan turned back to the wings that he was frying, he sighed. This felt all too familiar—the domesticated version of them, having lived with each other for close to three years. This felt like their routine: the days when either of them cooks or when they get too lazy and they just end up getting takeout. Jinhwan felt almost lulled by a sense of comfort, the comfort of coming home to someone who knew you—something that he felt was missing ever since he transferred to Japan a year ago. Jiwon fit into Jinhwan’s usual chill Friday night like he had always been a part of it.

It appeared Jiwon was feeling the same, because he said, “I missed this. You and me.”

Jinhwan momentarily closed his eyes, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He let out a slow, shaky breath, trying to gain control of himself. _You got this. What’s wrong with you?_

“Jiwon, please don’t say things like that,” he said, his voice barely making it stable until the end of it. He still wasn’t facing Jiwon, because what he wanted to do was to walk out.

Jiwon gasped and then let out a couple of coughs. “ _Whoa,_ shit.” That made Jinhwan turn, now composed, just in time to see Jiwon grabbing a can of beer and popping the tab. He gulped it down, finishing the can, as his face turned red.

Jinhwan grinned. “I should’ve warned you that spicy _is_ spicy, and it kicks in after a few seconds.”

“It does,” Jiwon admitted when he recovered. “Jesus, that was spicy. What’s in it?”

“I made it, but I won’t tell. Secret spicy sauce recipe.” Jinhwan winked at Jiwon. He took one of the wings and dipped it into the garlic parmesan sauce, as Jiwon hadn’t finished coating the wings yet with the rest of the sauces. Jiwon popped the tab off another beer can and passed it to Jinhwan.

Jinhwan took a swig, and then retrieved the last batch of chicken wings. He turned off his stove, and then surveyed their situation. “Transfer to the dining table?” he offered.

Jiwon shook his head. “This is comfy already, hyung.” He got down from his stool and slid it towards Jinhwan, and then took another one from the dining room set. They settled, eating at the kitchen counter.  

“So, what’s so bad in Korea that you had to fly here to get away from it all?” Jinhwan said.

Jiwon sighed. “Well, work. And family.” He looked at the chicken bones on his plate, and then back at Jinhwan. “My life is falling apart, hyung.”

“Okay, one thing at a time. Family first,” Jinhwan said, finishing a couple of wings himself. “How are your parents?”

Jiwon sighed. “They miss you?” he replied. It wasn’t an easy road for both of them when Jiwon came out to his parents and introduced Jinhwan as his boyfriend, but after a while, they accepted Jiwon and his relationship with Jinhwan. They took Jinhwan in like he was an original part of their family, and were equally devastated when the pair broke up.

“I miss them, too,” Jinhwan said. He turned to take some rice because he was going to dig into the spicy wings, and he needed something to temper the spiciness.

“Dad’s business is going bankrupt, and I think Mom and Dad are discussing divorce.”

“What?” Jinhwan said, returning to the table with a plateful of rice. “I am so sorry to hear that, Jiwon.” He slid the plate onto the table and reached out for Jiwon’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Is there anything I can do to help on that?”

Jiwon gave him a grim smile. “Do you have a billion won to spare?”  

Jinhwan choked on the wings he was chewing, and he had to cough through it. “I don’t, unfortunately. That much money?!”

Jiwon nodded. “And he and Mom are fighting a lot, and…” Jiwon heaved another sigh. “Mom sold all of her family’s properties to help out, but Dad didn’t use it to save the company.”

“What did he use the money for?”

“Gambled it off, like how he created the downfall of the business.”

Jinhwan looked at Jiwon, because the latter said it in a nonchalant way. It seemed like Jiwon had given up on this topic and on his father, and Jinhwan’s heart ached a bit for Jiwon. He knew how much Jiwon adored his father, and seeing this happen to one of his life’s heroes…

It was no wonder Jiwon was feeling lost.

Jinhwan gave Jiwon’s hand another squeeze before releasing it. “And work?”

“Shittier than usual,” Jiwon said, biting off the chicken wing he had in his hand like a cave man. “I got passed off on a promotion.”

Jinhwan’s jaw dropped, because that was the last thing he expected to happen to Jiwon. His ex was hardworking, which was one of the many things that made Jinhwan fall for him. He also took care of his juniors and mentored them well, so where did it go wrong?

“Politics,” Jiwon said, as if answering Jinhwan’s unspoken question. “Someone’s son of a friend got the promotion.”

“Shit, Jiwon.”

Jiwon popped open another beer—his third. He took a swig, and then shook his head. “So you see why I had to get out for a bit. I needed air.”

Jinhwan shrugged. “Not sure if going to me is air, because we also fought pretty bad, too, you know. Before we broke up.”

Jiwon chuckled. “You loved me well, too. That’s enough,” Jiwon replied, and there’s an awkward silence for about five seconds as Jinhwan didn’t know how to reply. “How about you, hyung? How are you?” Jiwon said instead to fill in the silence.

“This would sound like gloating considering all your woes,” Jinhwan said, almost shyly. “But I’m doing pretty well.”

“Loving your new job?”

Jinhwan shrugged. “It’s the same. A bit more fast-paced, but pretty much the same.”

“And Donghyuk?”

“He’s good, actually. I’m glad he also transferred. It feels a bit less lonely.”

Jinhwan watched Jiwon’s jaw clenched—Donghyuk was the topic of their more frequent fights during their last year. Jinhwan was working late hours and Donghyuk was in his team, and Jiwon’s mind played with him. _Why the long working hours?! Why do you like spending time with him when I’m here? Why is it just you and Donghyuk working together when you have a full team? ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM? OH GOD, YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH HIM! ARE YOU FUCKING YOUR EXECUTIVE?!_

“I am not sleeping with him, if that’s your next question,” Jinhwan supplied. “Never had, never will.”

Jiwon bit back his reply— _oh, hyung, never say never_ —because he didn’t come here to fight with Jinhwan. “Dating anyone?”

Jinhwan pointed a chicken wing at him. “Oh, wouldn’t you want to know.” A teasing smile appeared on his face, one that fluffed his cheeks, and Jiwon wanted more than anything than to kiss those cheeks.

“I’m not dating anyone,” Jiwon said, taking a couple of gulps of his beer. “I don’t think I could. After you.”

Jinhwan averted his gaze, as he couldn’t take Jiwon’s intense and honest look. “I damaged you, huh.”

“Nah, don’t think so,” Jiwon said, and even with Jinhwan looking down on his food, he could still feel the intensity of Jiwon’s stare. “I just don’t know how someone else could love me in the same way as you did.”

Jinhwan dropped his wings onto his plate and let out a shaky breath. He took in three deep breaths, a million thoughts running through his brain, and then finally looked up. “If you want to finish the duration of your stay in my house, you better stop that. Stop… saying things like that.”

An innocent look crossed Jiwon’s face. “I’m just telling you the truth.”

“Well, what if I tell you that you wouldn’t know if somebody else could love you the way I did—or maybe even better than I did—if you don’t try?” Jinhwan snapped, and Jiwon was taken aback.

“Do you want me to?”

“To what?”

“To try. With somebody else.”

Jinhwan smirked. “We broke up a year ago, just to remind you. I don’t have a say on what you do with your dating life—”

“You still do, though,” Jiwon cut in. “At least in my subconscious. Whenever I meet someone, sometimes I think about what you would say about them. You’ve always been good at reading people.”

A groan was Jinhwan’s sole answer, returning to eating. Jiwon did the same, and they ate in silence, until all was left between them was a plate of chicken bones and one can of beer.

“You didn’t answer me, though,” Jiwon said, breaking the silence.

An irritated look crossed Jinhwan’s face. “What?”

Jiwon gazed at him, earnest. “Are you dating anyone?”

Jinhwan paused, and the hesitation stung with Jiwon. “I saw someone, briefly. Hang on, I’m not sure if I’m still seeing him, because we just… kind of fell off the grid. I don’t recall who stopped calling who.”

Jiwon dropped his head so that Jinhwan couldn’t see the pain that crossed his face, but he was too late as Jinhwan caught a glimpse of it. “Jiwon, you asked,” Jinhwan said, unapologetic.

“How brief?” Jiwon asked, his voice coming out as a croak.

“Four months.”

Jiwon nodded, as if considering this. He stayed silent as he started to clean up their mess, filling up a ziplock bag with the chicken bones. Jinhwan gathered the plates that Jiwon had emptied, and then took them to the sink. They worked in silence, trapped in their own thoughts, until the kitchen was back to its squeaky-clean form.

“Movie?” Jiwon said as soon as Jinhwan turned off the faucet.

Jinhwan blinked at Jiwon, surprised at the question. He had expected Jiwon to wallow over the details he had just revealed, but Jiwon had other plans. “I think there are a bunch of Marvel movies on Netflix. Want to binge-watch?” Jiwon offered.

“Fine,” Jinhwan replied, cocking his head towards his living room.


	3. Coz right now I can’t seem to show you we can go back

“Hyung.”

Jinhwan spilled some of the water he was drinking onto his shirt, making him cuss. Jiwon was a few feet away from him, leaning against the wall that led to the bedrooms. The only light source was coming from the building across the street, and in the dim light, he saw that Jiwon was wearing his boxer briefs and a plain white shirt, his hair crazy, like someone ran their fingers through them.

“It’s five in the morning. What are you doing up?” Jinhwan asked, wiping the water that dribbled onto his chin. He faced the sink and started to wash the glass he used, waiting for Jiwon’s reply. They had finished watching two movies earlier before Jiwon had fallen asleep again, and Jinhwan had tucked him to bed in the living room couch before heading to his bedroom.

Jinhwan almost dropped the glass into the sink when he felt hands on his hips, and he turned around quickly. Jiwon’s face was a few centimeters away from his, and Jinhwan shrunk away from him. The water was still running, but over the sound of it, he could hear his labored breathing.

“Jiwon,” Jinhwan said, his voice shaking a bit, “please step back.”

And Jiwon did, leaning against the kitchen counter. Still, the space between them was just narrow—Jinhwan could reach for Jiwon by barely lifting his hand. Jinhwan turned back to the sink and finished washing his glass, and then placed it on the drying rack. Before facing Jiwon, he breathed deeply, trying to compose himself. His heart wasn’t having it, racing in his chest like he had started to run a marathon.

“What are you doing?” he whispered, placing his shaking hands on the edge of the sink. He didn’t trust himself to look at Jiwon, because he was _this_ close to shattering already.

And then Jiwon’s hands were on his shoulders, his sides, sliding down slowly to his waist, his hips. They reached forward as Jiwon leaned forward, holding Jinhwan’s hands on the sink. Jinhwan could feel his breath against the side of his neck, and Jiwon let out a slow exhale, like he was trying to get a grip of himself, too.

Jinhwan pulled his hands from under Jiwon’s. “Jiwon, please. Stop it.”

Jiwon’s hands snaked around his waist, holding Jinhwan close, his front to Jinhwan’s back. He leaned his head against the back of Jinhwan’s head, and Jiwon sighed. “I just…” Jiwon started, and the older guy waited, but that was all he was going to get as Jiwon didn’t speak anymore. Jiwon just held him, breathing him in. With their bodies so close to each other, he could feel Jiwon’s heartbeat, racing just as fast.

They stayed that way, until Jinhwan felt Jiwon’s heartbeat slow to its normal rate.

“You just _what,_ Kim Jiwon?” Jinhwan asked, finally facing him. “Don’t screw with me. I am not going to have it.”

Jiwon moved closer, closing his eyes as he leaned his forehead against Jinhwan’s. Jiwon was overwhelming the older guy, and Jinhwan’s flight or fight responses were starting to kick in, the former stronger than the latter.

“I need you to hold me together.”

“I am _not_ going to sleep with you,” Jinhwan said stubbornly.

Jiwon’s laugh warmed Jinhwan’s face, and his gaze was intense on Jinhwan’s when he opened them. “That’s not what I meant, but I have to admit that it crossed my mind.”

Jinhwan wrinkled his face, and before he could speak, Jiwon added, “But I have the wrong intentions at this very moment for wanting to do it with you, and you don’t deserve that.”

“Wrong intentions?”

Jiwon pulled away, leaning against the kitchen counter. “I feel hollow, hyung. And my screwed-up brain is telling me that sex can make me feel. Rough, carnal, I just want-to-fuck sex.” He dropped his gaze, as if embarrassed by his admission. “But that’s not why I came here, hyung. I didn’t come here so I can ask you for a pity, make-me-feel-good fuck.”

“You could probably get that in Korea,” Jinhwan quipped, and he wanted to take it back as soon as he said it.

Jiwon smirked. “Maybe? Or I’ve been so out of it that maybe I can’t even get someone to pity-fuck me.”

Jinhwan laughed at Jiwon’s self-deprecation. “That’s just sad.”

“I know.”

Jiwon buried his face in his hands. Jinhwan wanted to hug him at that very moment, but he needed to know something. “So why did you come here? If it isn’t to ask me to have sex with you—”

“Not to have pity sex, but maybe have sex with me once I have the right intention.”

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. “Shut up,” he said sharply. “Stop it. Take me seriously.”

Jiwon dropped his hands from his face and gazed into Jinhwan’s eyes. “I came here because you’re you, Jinani hyung. And I needed… a you. I needed _you_.”

Jinhwan frowned. “You have to expound on that, sir.”

“Hyung,” Jiwon said with a sigh, and it was evident that this was difficult for him. Honest conversations were always difficult. Jinhwan waited, because he wasn’t going to give Jiwon an out for this. “You were the one person who took me in flaws and all, and liked me—loved me—in spite and despite it all. We were… good when we were _good_ , hyung. You were my best friend in all those three years we were together, you keep me from toppling over—”

“Even if we fought a lot in the last year?” Jinhwan cut in.

“ _Even if_ ,” Jiwon said, nodding with emphasis. “All our fights aside, hyung… you were everything I needed. You’re everything I still need, by the way.” A ghost of a smile showed up on Jiwon’s face, like it was a truth he had held onto the past year and has never let go, and he just threw it out there as a _by the way_. “We agreed when we broke up that it was because we knew we weren’t good for each other. We fought a lot, and sometimes it got physical and brutal and we hurt each other in ways that no one else could. But what if we weren’t good for each other… _at that time_? What if…” Jiwon sighed, his voice trailing.

Jinhwan returned it with a sigh of his own. He patted Jiwon on the shoulder, and then said, “Let’s go back to sleep.” His mind was reeling with everything that Jiwon said, and the possibilities that he had laid out in front of him were things he had pushed to the back of his mind after he left Korea. He made a promise to himself not to go back to Jiwon, even if he felt like he was a magnet and Jiwon was the opposite magnetic force to his charge, drawing him in.

The older guy was almost to his room when Jiwon spoke. “So, just to set the record straight: you’re not going to sleep with me this weekend?”  

Jinhwan grabbed the nearest thing he could—a pillow on the couch—and threw it at Jiwon, hitting him squarely on the face. He laughed as he picked up the pillow and followed Jinhwan, teasing, “Good night, hyung. You’ll see me in your dreams, I’m pretty sure.”

Jinhwan shook his head, letting out a chuckle. Jiwon grabbed him around the wrist just as he was closing his bedroom door and made his hyung face him. He leaned over, stopping just as he was an inch away from Jinhwan’s, giving Jinhwan a chance to back away.

But Jinhwan didn’t.

“Good night,” Jiwon whispered, this time more serious, as he pressed his lips against Jinhwan’s, short, soft, and gentle. He turned and headed back to the living room before Jinhwan could chase him back. He sighed, swallowing his regret and the lump in his throat, closing the door behind him.


	4. This can make or break us / Hold out, spend the night, and wake up

If Fridays were for chilling out, Saturdays were reserved for sleeping in.

Jinhwan woke up at noon the next day, and he spent the first ten minutes staring at his room’s ceiling. He didn’t want to face Jiwon yet—not after what happened this morning—and he needed time to process his dream. Jiwon was right that he would make an appearance in Jinhwan’s dream; hell, he was even the star of it.

The dream was an alternate universe of them, the one that got the happy ending. Jinhwan hated it that Jiwon had brought up all the what ifs last night, the what ifs he had stopped asking himself because he thought he had already lost his shot at a happy ending with Jiwon. The what ifs seeped into his subconscious that his brain was even overthinking it as it went into dreamland.  

Jiwon being here, thinking of these things… was there really another shot? What if this time, it was the right timing? What if this time, because they knew where they went wrong the first time, they can make it better? They wouldn’t be making the same mistakes again or hurt each other in the same way they did before…

_We were good when we were good_ —that was what Jiwon said this morning. When they were together, they grew together and flourished. They did quite well in their respective jobs and then each got promoted, they travelled and explored new places together, and learned a new language together (Japanese, that was why working in Japan was an easier choice for Jinhwan). And the sex—Jinhwan thought he was already adventurous but Jiwon had showed him there were things he still hasn’t done yet—and it was _beyond good_. They grew, until suddenly the relationship turned something that held them back. The mutual bond they had turned into a toxic one; they clung onto each other tightly until it became suffocating for each other.

_I think the best way to describe you guys was that you burned so bright together until you burned each other,_ Jinhwan remembered Donghyuk saying. _You know when you’re at the beach and you like the feeling of sand through your fingers, until you gather it tightly in your fists and only a few grains can escape the grip? That’s your relationship in a nutshell._

Jinhwan sighed. But didn’t they say that you should never run back to what broke you?

Yunhyeong had always rebutted this, pointing out, “You _can_ run back to what broke you, you know. But ensure that you are a different person when you run back. A stronger and better version of you, one that can’t be broken by the same person anymore.”  He would add he wasn’t a pro-Jiwon person, but he was a believer of second chances.

A crash in the kitchen made Jinhwan sit up, and he had no choice anymore but to go and check out what happened. He found Jiwon, hair just as crazy as it was earlier this morning, blinking his eyes at the mess on the floor in front of him, as if processing what had happened. There was a paper bag and takeaway coffee on the kitchen counter, making Jinhwan frown.

“You went out?” was his first question, and Jiwon slowly looked up at him, giving him a sheepish smile.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Morning, hyung. Bagels and coffee.” He cocked his head towards the kitchen counter, picking up the piles of frying pans and woks that fell when he opened one of the floor cabinets. He placed them back one by one, leaving one pot behind.  

“What is the pot for?” Jinhwan said, walking towards his ex.

“I wanted to make you your favorite eggs benedict and surprise you with breakfast in bed, but… you’re now out of bed,” Jiwon said, shrugging. A faint blush colored his cheeks, like he was embarrassed, and this made Jinhwan smile.

“I can go back to bed?” Jinhwan offered, and Jiwon shook his head. He went around and pulled one of the seats that they had left near the kitchen counter, helping Jinhwan to sit on it.

“Nah, I want you here.”

Jinhwan was silent as Jiwon prepared the eggs benedict, watching the younger guy move around his kitchen as if it was his own apartment. He took one of the coffee cups, sipping it slowly, and then after a few minutes, unconsciously letting out a sigh.

“You okay?” Jiwon asked, looking up from the hollandaise sauce that he was whipping.

Jinhwan caught himself, forcing a smile. “What do you want to do today?” he said instead, evading Jiwon’s question.

“Can we just stay in? I just… really wanted some quiet.”

Jinhwan nodded in understanding. “Sure,” he said, even if he wasn’t sure if it was the best of all ideas, being holed up in his house with the man he would jump over a cliff for if that was what Jiwon wanted. Slowly he felt Jiwon imprinting himself in a house that was previously devoid of him. His living room now has an image of Jiwon sleeping there, and his kitchen a combination of this morning’s encounter and Jiwon’s cooking.

His bedroom was still a safe place so far.

“So what’s a typical Saturday like for you?” Jiwon asked. He had moved on to making the eggs after he finished the hollandaise sauce.

“Sleeping in, like today. And then mostly errands: cleaning the house, doing the laundry and groceries… that sort of thing.” And then Jinhwan added with an amused smile, “Donghyukie and I sometimes go out, but lately not so much. He’s dating someone.”

“Really now?”

Jinhwan grinned. “Do you know you sort of lose or lessen your contact with at least two friends when you start to be in a relationship?”

The younger guy looked up at him from the pot that he was concentrated on watching, a small smile on his face. “I didn’t realize that.”

“Yup. I’m that person in Donghyuk’s case.”

“I’m not sure if I should feel sorry for you,” Jiwon said, and Jinhwan replied with a shrug. “So since you have more free time now, what else occupies your time?”

Jinhwan tinkered with the lid of the coffee that he was drinking. “Watching movies and TV series mostly. I’m doing a re-watch of _Breaking Bad_ now.”

“My favorite series.”

“Uh-huh,” Jinhwan said in a small voice. He had avoided re-watching _Breaking Bad_ because it reminded him of Jiwon, but he ran out of stuff to watch (and he didn’t want to binge on _Friends_ because he was still not over the Ross and Rachel plotlines). “I’ve tried to explore painting, hiking—”

“You hiked?!” Jiwon guffawed. “Those are two words I thought I’d hear in the same sentence.”

“The keyword there, Jiwon, was _tried_ ,” Jinhwan pointed out with an impatient huff. “I didn’t even make it a mile.”

Jiwon’s shoulder shook hard as he laughed, and the older guy pouted. “And painting?” Jiwon asked.

“I’m leaving that to Yunhyeong.”

Jiwon laughed harder, so Jinhwan crumpled a piece of paper and threw it at Jiwon. It hit him on the face and almost fell into the eggs benedict he was making, but his reflexes were quick, catching it before it fell into the pot.

“I’m sticking to gaming,” Jinhwan said, a satisfied grin of his own, as if he had gotten back at Jiwon for making fun at him. “And playing guitar and piano.”

“Guitar?”

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. “Why is it that whatever I say seems so amusing to you?”

Jiwon held his hands up as if surrendering. “No, no, hyung, c’mon,” he said with an appeasing tone. “I am just glad you’re trying to see what hobbies you can get into. I remember it was one of your worries before, that you couldn’t find a hobby that you really enjoyed. Your hobby before was worrying about me.”

“Heh,” Jinhwan said, shaking his head. Jiwon transferred the eggs carefully onto the plates, concentration etched on his face as he didn’t want to break them. Jinhwan was silent, watching Jiwon, a slow smile spreading on his lips. The younger guy topped the eggs with the hollandaise sauce, and Jinhwan didn’t realize that Jiwon had already popped the bagels in the toaster to warm them again.

“Shit,” Jiwon cussed inwardly, as he picked up the still hot bagels with his fingers.

“Careful.”

Jiwon winked at him, fixing the bagels next to the eggs. He smiled widely and proudly, the kind that reached his eyes and turned his eyes into crescents, presenting the fixed plate to Jinhwan. “Breakfast for Kim Jinhwan.”

“Thank you, Jiwon,” Jinhwan said, accepting the plate from Jiwon, beaming at him. He slid it in front of him as Jiwon prepared his own plate, and then after some slicing, popped a forkful of the egg into his mouth. He let out a satisfied groan after the flavors were recognized by his tongue, and with a sigh, he said, “I missed you cooking for me.”

With his plate, Jiwon walked to the side of the kitchen counter where Jinhwan was seated, sliding his place next to Jinhwan. “I missed doing it for you, too.” They share a look, and Jiwon was the first one to break it, as if he was afraid of the things that Jinhwan would see in his eyes.   

Jiwon turned to his food. “Let’s eat.”

******

“Oh wow, you were serious about the guitar.”

Jiwon and Jinhwan had finished their third movie of the day— _Blue Valentine,_ which left them sad and gloomy as it hit a bit closer to home—and they found themselves trying to find something to cleanse their mood. Jiwon started pacing around the house, and then he asked Jinhwan if he could see his room. Jinhwan balked at the idea because it was the only safe space in the house that didn’t have any trace of Jiwon yet, but he relented.

Jiwon eyed the acoustic guitar that was on a stand at the corner of Jinhwan’s room, and then walked towards it. He strummed it, turning to Jinhwan while waiting for an answer. “I remember bugging you to learn how to play it back then, but you always said one guitar player is fine in a relationship.”

Jinhwan shrugged. “I had spare time.”

Jiwon strummed the guitar again, taking a seat on the edge of Jinhwan’s bed. “Were you successful?” he asked, and he caught Jinhwan’s hesitation, as if the answer would be something that he wouldn’t like.

“Yes,” Jinhwan said after a couple of seconds. “Um, the guy that I dated here, he… taught me.”

“Oh.”

“Jiwon—”

“Tell me more about this guy,” Jiwon said, and Jinhwan shook his head, trying to take the guitar away from him.

“That would be a bad idea.”

Jiwon held onto the guitar, not letting it go. “C’mon, hyung. We’re adults. I can take it.”

Jinhwan released the guitar, sitting on the bed next to Jiwon. He stared at Jiwon, trying to assess if he was telling the truth, and then heaved a sigh. “His name is Junhoe.”

The younger guy kept a poker face. “He’s Korean.” It was a statement more than a question, but Jinhwan still nodded. “I met him through one of those expats working in Japan group things here. Before Donghyuk transferred here to work. He’s a funny guy, and… we started out as friends at first.”

“Then when did it start to go beyond friendship?”

A blush colored Jinhwan’s cheeks. “I was lonely, and…” Jinhwan admitted. “You and I were over.”

Jiwon answered with a bashful smile. “I know we were. I wasn’t saying anything.”

“Your eyes say otherwise.”

“I guess I was just hoping that you’d stay single like I did,” Jiwon replied with a sigh. “But it was unfair of me to expect that from you.” He strummed at the guitar again, and then he looked up at Jinhwan. “It’s okay, hyung.”

The silence stretched, neither of them knowing what to do next. Jiwon found the guitar interesting, staring at it and the scratches on the body, while Jinhwan watched him.

“Play for me,” Jinhwan said after a while, and Jiwon looked up, a slight surprise on his face.

“Like how I used to?”

Jinhwan nodded, unable to say that the idea only came to him because this set-up felt familiar. He was torturing himself, with memories of what used to be and putting them in the now. _Like how I used to_ , as Jiwon said, because in their ‘back when’, Jiwon played for him. He was the lone audience to Jiwon’s music, but he was the only one that mattered. They would be in the living room or in their bedroom, and with nothing left to do, the younger guy would bring out his guitar and play for Jinhwan.

A concert for one.

The sound of Jiwon’s strums broke through the silence. Jiwon held the older guy’s gaze, which told the latter that he knew what Jinhwan was thinking, and that it was okay, it was torture for him as well, but it didn’t matter.

Jiwon started to sing.

_I run frantically, I don't know if I became an adult_

_pretending to live without worries in order to lessen my mother's worries_

_when I arrive home, I wash, close the lights and lie down_

_now the reality is heavier than the dream_

_I can't fall asleep, so I sing_

_In the mirror, why_

_isn't this the old self I knew?_

_I want to chase me dreams but_

_but on my shoulders the burden called responsibility hinders me_

_If you are looking at the unsteady me_

_please take me far away from here_

_I wanna runaway_

_Yay ye yay ye_

Jiwon smiled sheepishly when he finished, and Jinhwan took his hand off the guitar’s neck and held it tightly. “You made it?” he whispered, because the song was completely unfamiliar to him, and Jiwon nodded.

“Oh Jiwon,” Jinhwan said softly, his heart breaking a bit for Jiwon. _He really wanted to run away._

Jiwon looked at their joined hands, rearranging them so that his fingers fill in the spaces between Jinhwan’s. It felt right, as it had always felt.  

“You have me,” Jinhwan promised, and Jiwon scooted closer, leaning his head on the older guy’s shoulder.  

******

“ _JIWON!”_

Jiwon was startled, jolting awake, because he heard that clearly. Jinhwan wasn’t calling him—it wasn’t just a yell. And when he heard it again, he realized it was a scream of fear—no, it was absolute terror. He ran to Jinhwan’s room, flipping the lampshade next to Jinhwan’s bed on, and saw the older guy thrashing in his bed, sweating, tears falling down his face. His eyes were closed but Jiwon could see them moving, very fast, as if behind his eyelids, Jinhwan was watching a scene unfolding. 

“No, no… Jiwon! Oh god, no!”

Jiwon rushed to Jinhwan’s side, shaking his hyung’s shoulders. “Jinani hyung, wake up. Wake up!” He shook him hard repeatedly, but he saw Jinhwan struggling—wanting to get out of the dream he was in but he couldn’t.

“Please, no…”

It was a cry of agony, and Jiwon couldn’t bear it any longer. He slapped Jinhwan’s face, not too hard, but just enough to wake him up. Jinhwan’s eyes flashed open, and he looked at the ceiling for a split second before they focused on Jiwon.

“Ji-Jiwon?” Jinhwan said, breathless. His fingers were shaking when he reached up to touch Jiwon’s face, trying to check if he was real, and Jiwon’s eyes fluttered to a close when Jinhwan’s hand touched his face.

“Oh god, it’s not real.” Relief was palpable in Jinhwan’s voice, and he surprised Jiwon when he pulled him to him, on the bed, on top of Jinhwan, wrapping him in a tight hug. Jiwon tried to anchor part of his body weight on his elbows so as not to crush Jinhwan, but Jinhwan’s hug was tight—too tight—that he barely could adjust, trapped in the cage of Jinhwan’s arms.

“You’re here. You’re okay,” Jinhwan whispered, caressing Jiwon’s hair and back. Beneath him, Jiwon could feel Jinhwan’s heartbeat was still racing. “Hyung. Jinani…” Jiwon whispered back, his lips grazing Jinhwan’s earlobe, and he felt Jinhwan release him a bit. He adjusted, rolling off Jinhwan and moving to his side.

And then he gathered the shaking Jinhwan in his arms, and the older guy buried his face in Jiwon’s chest. He heard Jinhwan take a deep breath, inhaling his scent. As if the scent wasn’t enough, Jinhwan planted his face deeper in Jiwon’s shirt, and then he heaved a sigh. He turned his head to the side, resting his cheek on the younger guy’s chest, placing his hand on top of where Jiwon’s heart should be.

Jiwon didn’t know how long they stayed that way, but it was long enough for Jinhwan’s panic to pass. His breathing has slowed, and he appeared to have calmed down. He didn’t think Jinhwan was asleep as the older guy was tracing patterns on his chest absently, occasionally making Jiwon feel ticklish.

Jiwon, on the other hand, was running his fingers through Jinhwan’s hair. “Hyung… what happened?” he asked quietly.

“I dreamt that I got a call that you were murdered. Multiple stab wounds, and your skull was also bashed in. I was the one who was called to identify your body, because I was still listed as your emergency contact. And I… I could barely recognize you on the gurney, Jiwon. You were beaten up pretty badly and…” Jinhwan’s voice trailed, and he shuddered, Jiwon feeling it course through his body. The silence in the room was eerie. He heard and felt Jinhwan swallow the lump in his throat.

“I wanted to wake up. I was aware I was dreaming but I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t…” Jinhwan took a deep breath. “You were… gone, Jiwon. Like gone, gone. Not just gone because we broke up but gone for good, and I…”

“It was a dream, Jinani hyung.”

“It’s terrifying, to live in a world without you.”

Jiwon pulled back his head a bit, wanting to gaze into Jinhwan’s eyes. “You’ve been doing it for a year now.”

Jinhwan glared at him. “That’s different. You weren’t dead.”

The reply caused Jiwon to smirk. “Don’t know what you got till it’s gone.”

Angry and frustrated, Jinhwan sat up quickly, and Jiwon wanted to pull him back, suddenly feeling empty and cold. “I do know what I’ve had before we broke up, you know. I knew exactly what you were and felt it even more when we parted ways. Do you think the past year was easy for me?”

Jiwon sat up, leaning his back against the headboard. He placed his hand next to Jinhwan’s on the bed, their fingers almost touching. “You seem pretty well put together.”

Staring at the ceiling, Jinhwan shaking his head over and over. “God, Jiwon. Why do you act like you don’t know me at all?!” he said, voice gruff with frustration.

“Because I wallowed,” Jiwon said, equally frustrated now. “I grieved that you weren’t in my life anymore. But you carried on, hyung, like nothing happened. You went on with your life and… you’re fine. You even started dating again! Out of the two of us, you got out unscathed.”

Jinhwan scoffed, a bitter smile on his face. “Why do you think Junhoe and I stopped seeing each other?” he asked, and Jiwon raised an eyebrow in question.

The older guy looked at Jiwon as if he was hopeless. “He isn’t you.”

Jiwon held Jinhwan’s gaze, challenging him into some sort of stare-down. He read into Jinhwan’s eyes, and the only thing that Jiwon saw in them was deep pain and sorrow. Jinhwan’s gaze did not waver, but his voice did, when he spoke.

“No one can ever be you in my life, Kim Jiwon.”

“Oh,” Jiwon gasped, and he tugged at Jinhwan, urgent, pulling the older guy onto his lap. Jinhwan straddled him, and Jiwon moaned when Jinhwan bore down on his crotch, the slight move of the older guy’s hips causing friction. Their lips crashed together, teeth hitting against teeth like they didn’t know how to do this anymore with each other, but they adjusted, until the familiarity seeped in again.

They kissed like they were making up for the lost year—Jiwon’s hand latched tightly on Jinhwan’s hip while the other hand was on his hyung’s nape, pulling him closer to him as if he wasn’t close enough yet. Jinhwan’s hands were running through Jiwon’s bedhead hair, down to his neck, and then sliding down his arms.

Momentarily they broke free, gasping for air, and they gazed into each other as they took deep breaths. Jiwon kissed Jinhwan’s mole on the right cheek, his lips trailing kisses down all the way to his jaw and neck, nipping the thin skin there slightly, making Jinhwan gasp. The younger guy slipped his hands under Jinhwan’s shirt, wanting to touch his bare skin. Jinhwan leaned his head backwards, giving Jiwon better access to his neck while Jiwon continued to assault him with kisses, the trail now all the way to Jinhwan’s collarbone.

Jinhwan held Jiwon on the shoulders, clutching him tightly because he felt like he was going to fly away if he didn’t. “Jiwon…” Jinhwan whispered, his voice full of need and lust, grinding his hip against Jiwon’s. He was already hard, and he needed Jiwon in all the ways possible, and he reached for Jiwon’s shirt, trying to tug it off Jiwon’s head.

But Jiwon stopped him, his hands clamping on top of Jinhwan’s. The struggle was evident in his eyes when he pushed Jinhwan to look at him. “Jinani, stop,” Jiwon said, his voice barely steady.

An irritated look crossed Jinhwan’s face. “Eh? You were practically seducing me last night and you literally pulled me on top of you just now. Why do you want to stop?”

Jiwon hesitated. “I…” he started to say. When Jiwon didn’t continue after a couple of beats, Jinhwan closed the gap between them, those few inches, capturing Jiwon’s lips in his. He bit Jiwon’s lower lip and Jiwon hissed, and then he dove in, tongue mingling with Jiwon’s, doing a slow and sensual dance. A few moments later, Jinhwan paused, giving the younger guy one more open-mouthed kiss before releasing him fully.

“I want you.”

“I know,” Jiwon said with a small smile. “I can see and feel that.” He glanced at their joined lower bodies, where Jinhwan was already stiff and hard against Jiwon’s stomach.

“Why are you stopping this?” Jinhwan said breathlessly.

“Because I love you. I still really do,” Jiwon replied without missing a beat. “And everything is crazy and messed up, and this could feel good for now… but what about after that? I can’t… I just don’t want this as a for now, hyung. You’re not just a quick fix.”

Jiwon leaned his head on Jinhwan’s chest, and Jinhwan cradled him closer. “But what if I want to be your quick fix now?”

He heard Jiwon scoff. “I’m not going to let you.”

Jinhwan squeezed Jiwon on the shoulder and with a heavy sigh, rolled off the younger guy, settling on the space next to him. “Well, that was a plot twist. You resisted sex. _From me_ ,” he said with a frustrated groan.

Jiwon laughed, staring at his crotch almost sadly. He, too, was hard and raring to go, and he was amused how his brain took over instead of his hormones. “Just… hold me, hyung. I’m cool with that.”

A mischievous grin played on Jinhwan’s lips. “Here…?” he said, placing his hand on top of Jiwon’s hard length, and Jiwon let out a long and slow exhale. A vein throbbed on his forehead, and Jinhwan could see the conflict in his eyes.  

“I am clinging onto the last shred of my self-control, Jinani. Please don’t.”

Jinhwan gave him a slight squeeze which elicited a moan from Jiwon, and then he removed his hand. “Tell me what you want,” he said, giving him a soft smile. He had given up on the thought that he was going to get laid tonight, turning his approach to a friendlier one.

“Just you,” Jiwon replied, glancing at him. His gaze was gentle, the lust gone. “And maybe some cuddles.”

“Big spoon or little spoon?”

Jiwon smiled, opening his arms up to Jinhwan. “Big spoon, always.” They slid down the bed, turning to their sides, Jinhwan’s back to Jiwon’s front. Jiwon wrapped his arms around Jinhwan, draping a leg over Jinhwan’s body. Jiwon’s body almost engulfed Jinhwan’s smaller frame, the big spoon to the little spoon.

“Why do you always pick being the big spoon?” Jinhwan said, sighing into the cuddle, placing his hands on top of Jiwon’s arms. “Even when we were together…”

“It makes me feel like I’m shielding you from whatever could hurt you,” Jiwon whispered. He pressed his lips on Jinhwan’s shoulder. “It’s just that I didn’t realize, at some point, I would be the one who would.”

Jinhwan shushed him. He lifted one of Jiwon’s freer hands around him and kissed the inside of the younger guy’s wrist. “It’s part and parcel of loving someone,” Jinhwan whispered back, “and I hurt you, too.”

Jiwon sighed, his breath tickling the older guy’s neck. “I wish there’s a way to fix things easily.”

Wordlessly, Jinhwan turned his head back, and Jiwon gave him a quick peck. “Let’s stay here for now. I can’t fix everything in your life, and all I can offer is the now.” He touched his lips again with Jiwon’s, and then faced front again.

This time, when Jiwon sighed, it wasn’t the heavy kind. “That would work,” he whispered, and they stayed that way until only soft snores and calm breathing can be heard.

There were no nightmares for Jinhwan this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song in this one is Bobby's Runaway, translated to English.


	5. Can I talk you into taking me back?

Sundays were reserved for food trips.

If they spent Saturday holed up inside the house, Jiwon and Jinhwan went out. The older guy took Jiwon to his favorite places in Japan, which turned into a food trip of sorts—Jinhwan’s favorite places were restaurants and hole-in-the-wall food stops. They squeezed a stop at an onsen, too, to relax Jiwon’s mind and body further.

It was late when they got home, and Jiwon had three more hours before catching his flight back to Korea. Dragging his feet, he started to pack his stuff, not really wanting to leave Jinhwan and the little paradise they’ve made in the past two days. Jinhwan sat at the kitchen, silent, watching Jiwon as he packed. The only sounds that can be heard in the house was Jiwon moving around as he collected his things, the air suddenly heavy.

Jiwon looked up at Jinhwan as he closed his backpack with a loud zip. “I have two and half more hours before I have to go. Can I… can we nap at your room?” he asked quietly. “Last night was the calmest and best sleep I’ve had in a long while, and—”

“It’s okay,” Jinhwan said, jumping down the stool where he sat. “Just set alarms, so you won’t miss your flight.”

“I kind of want to miss my flight.”

Jinhwan held out his hand, keeping it there as Jiwon crossed the living room to get to him. He threaded their fingers together, and then they walked quietly to Jinhwan’s room. Jiwon went to the left side of the bed and sat there, tinkering with his phone while he turns on multiple alarms, fifteen minutes in between. Jinhwan also did the same, but he only set two alarms as he knew from experience that Jiwon would most likely wake up at the third alarm that he had set.

They met in the middle of the bed, Jinhwan opening his arms for Jiwon. The younger guy snuck onto them, leaning his head on Jinhwan’s chest, and he felt Jinhwan press his lips on top of his head. “But you have to go back,” he whispered. “You can’t run away from it all forever.”

Jiwon buried his head in the older guy’s chest. “I know,” he muttered. He then sighed heavily, draping his arms over Jinhwan’s waist, and let sleep take over.

Jinhwan stayed awake the entire time, watching him, a million thoughts running in his head.

******

 “So…”

When Jiwon’s alarms sounded earlier, he was up at the first one, and he immediately looked at Jinhwan, who was gazing at him. He closed the small distance between them and pressed a kiss on Jinhwan’s lips, and Jinhwan kissed him back, until they were reduced to a flurry of kisses and hands touching all over.

They only got up at the final alarm, because they couldn’t delay it any longer.

Now they stood at Jinhwan’s door, standing opposite of each other. Jinhwan pocketed his hands in his jeans because he didn’t know where else to put them. He wanted Jiwon to stay because the last two days were happy and familiar—it was how they were the first two years before everything shot to hell.

But Jiwon has a life to get back to, one that he had already ran away from this weekend. He has to go back to that life—the life that currently did not have Jinhwan in it.

“So,” Jiwon repeated with a smirk.

“You’re leaving.”

Jiwon took a step forward, taking Jinhwan’s hand. “I am.”

“I’m glad you visited,” Jinhwan said, putting up the hand that Jiwon was holding, as if measuring the difference in their hand sizes—something he did when he and Jiwon were newly dating. Jiwon gazed at Jinhwan, whispering, “I’m glad I did, too.”

And then he threaded his fingers through Jinhwan’s, putting their hands down, his eyes earnest and open, laying all his cards on the table. “Jinani, can we try again?” Hope filled his eyes, and he smiled gently, saying, “Can you be my boyfriend again?”

Jinhwan held Jiwon’s eyes, and—without missing another beat—replied: “No.”

Jiwon frowned, stepping back, dropping Jinhwan’s hands. He felt the air _whoosh_ out of his system, a two-letter word slowly wrapping his heart in numbness. “W-what?” he choked.

Jinhwan sighed heavily, reaching again for Jiwon’s hands. Jiwon refused at first, but Jinhwan whispered a soft plea and Jiwon relented. When Jiwon looked up, Jinhwan saw the look of betrayal and pain on the younger guy’s face. “No, Jiwon. I don’t think we should get back together,” Jinhwan said, his voice surprisingly steady.

Jiwon broke down, sobbing into his and Jinhwan’s joined hands. The way Jiwon’s sobs wracked through his chest stabbed Jinhwan’s heart, and he badly wanted to take back the words he had just said.

But he knew if he did, it wouldn’t do them any favors either.

“W-why?” Jiwon asked, barely getting the words out. “We had—we had a—a great weekend. I thought things were going well for us and…”

Jinhwan pulled one of his hands from their joined grip and letting it rest on Jiwon’s nape, rubbing it with his thumb, trying to offer some sort of comfort. “Yes, Jiwon, the weekend was great. I loved it, even if it wasn’t perfect,” Jinhwan said quietly. “But I don’t think we should get back together just because of that. I don’t think this _is_ the right time again for us. There are so many things happening in your life right now and making this decision to be with me again shouldn’t be one of those things.”

“Hyung, I need something to go right in my life right now, and I think that’s you,” Jiwon pleaded, but Jinhwan was firm.

“I can still be in your life, but maybe only as your friend for now, Jiwon.” He leaned over, lifting Jiwon’s face. He wiped the tears that streaked down Jiwon’s cheeks, giving him a small smile. He pressed his lips on Jiwon’s forehead, letting the kiss linger. “I love you, Jiwon, and I will always love you,” Jinhwan continued, whispering against Jiwon’s skin. “But not like this. I don’t want to get back with you just because you needed something to go right in your life or to make you feel something or to make you whole again. I don’t want it to be a pity yes, Jiwon. It’s not right.”

“Is it a pity yes?” Jiwon whispered gruffly, and Jinhwan smiled sadly.

“It won’t be, _if_ I said yes.”

Jiwon sniffled, leaning back and away from Jinhwan, and Jinhwan released him. The younger guy gazed at him through his tears, and then after a few seconds, nodded. “It’s unfair for you, too,” he realized, and Jinhwan hesitated before nodding.

“I came here for comfort, disrupting the life that you have without me, and… And I come again saying that I want you back just because I’m being selfish,” Jiwon said, shaking his head.  

“I’m sorry, Jiwon-ah.”

“No. I should be the one who should be sorry.” Jiwon forced a smile, taking a deep breath, holding Jinhwan’s gaze. “It’s just a no for now, right? Not a no forever?”

“Yes,” Jinhwan said breathlessly, his eyes holding so much promise. “Only for now.”

“Okay.”

“I love you,” the older guy replied. “Please do remember that.”

Jiwon smiled the smile that showed his two prominent front teeth. “It’s the only thing I’m hanging on to,” he admitted. He then let out a loud, forceful exhale, and then used his shirt sleeves to dry his face. “Airport. I need to go to the airport.”

He stood up and turned for the door but Jinhwan grabbed him by the wrist. Before Jiwon could react, Jinhwan crashed into him, mouth on Jiwon’s, trapping him in a desperate, needy kiss. Jiwon knew what it meant—it was an if-I-could-I-would kiss, _if things were just different_ kiss. He sighed into Jinhwan’s mouth and kissed him back, holding his hyung’s face, pulling him closer, replying with much ardor and placing everything he got in the kiss.

Both of them resurfaced for oxygen, only momentarily, and they kissed again, but this time it was softer and gentler. It was the promise kiss, and Jiwon clung to it.

“Will we ever get the timing right again?” he asked when Jinhwan finally pulled back. They both tried to catch their breaths, and a sob escaped Jinhwan’s lips.

“Oh god, I hope so,” Jinhwan replied, his voice breaking.

Jiwon got over his surprise at Jinhwan’s reaction, immediately pulling Jinhwan into a tight hug. Jinhwan cried into Jiwon’s arms, the younger guy caressing Jinhwan’s hair. “Hyung, we’ll get it right. Maybe we see or find each other again, and maybe it won’t be right again, but we’ll keep trying, okay?” Jiwon said, his words rushing out. “You are my one, Kim Jinhwan. We will get it right. Everything will fall into place.”

Laughter bubbled in Jinhwan’s chest, and Jiwon felt it, making the latter frown. He released Jinhwan, and he saw the older guy smiling, albeit it being a sad smile. “Why do we keep letting each other go,” he said, shaking his head.

“You had a choice, right here, to take me back, but you said no,” Jiwon said with a wink, and Jinhwan pouted.

“Yeah, I know. Not yet,” Jiwon relented. He pressed his lips on Jinhwan’s one more time, for a long time, and then released him fully, taking a couple of steps back.

“Find me,” Jiwon said, his gaze on Jinhwan’s intense. “Or I’ll find you. We deserve another frigging chance.” He took his bags and stalked off towards the door, and Jinhwan watched him, feeling almost helpless. The love of his life was slipping through his fingers again, and he wanted to take the last ten minutes back, say yes instead of no.

Jinhwan opened his mouth to speak, but Jiwon beat him to it. The younger guy turned around, his hand on the doorknob, saying, “Thank you, hyung—for the weekend. And for having a clear mind to make this call for both of us. I think we would’ve crashed and burned for a second time around if you said yes.”

The older guy paused, and then nodded. “Have a safe flight, Jiwonie. I love you.”

Jiwon gave him a mock salute. “Of course, hyung. And I love you more.”

Jinhwan smirked. “Let’s not make it a competition of who loves who more, okay?” he said, and Jiwon laughed. “For the record—it’s you who loves more. I just wish I deserved it—back then and even now,” he said. He gave Jinhwan one more wink and then was out the door, and Jinhwan let his tears fall again.


	6. We can go back

Jinhwan was walking towards Jiwon’s office building, a big smile on his face. His chest was raring to explode with the cocktail of emotions he was feeling: anxiety, excitement, hopefulness, and uncertainty.

 _Find me. Or I’ll find you. We deserve another frigging chance,_ Jiwon did say. It had been two years since the last time they saw each other, and a lot has changed since then. Jiwon’s parents weathered through their financial challenges, opening a bakery under his mom’s supervision. The bakery now has three branches across Seoul, and there were plans to open five more until the end of the year. He quit his job and found a place that better appreciated his talents and was now an associate director to a tech start-up.

Jinhwan, on the other hand, was offered a regional position and he took it after a day’s worth of thinking. It wasn’t just because of the potential growth and learnings he could get from the job, but the job became even more attractive when they said that main station for the role was in Seoul.

It was time to go home. 

The blur of emotions made Jinhwan to ball his fists tightly until his knuckles turned white. It was the first time since Jiwon left Japan two years ago that they were seeing each other in person. It had always been phone and video calls and Kakao messaging in the last two years, and he felt just as anxious as he was on the day of his first date with Jiwon.

Jinhwan was almost a block away when he saw a familiar built, heading out of the office building, with a guy walking with him. He stopped in his tracks, watching Jiwon—his hair bounced as he walked, shining under the sunlight, but nothing was brighter than the smile that Jiwon had on his face, that smile that reached his eyes and made his eyes turn into thin crescents. He tossed his head back with something the other male said, clapping the guy’s back and keeping his arm over the man’s shoulder. Jiwon then leaned over, whispering something into the man’s ear, making the man grin wider.

Jinhwan couldn’t deny it himself—the other man looked very handsome, with a beautiful smile. In the span of a minute that he was watching them, he could sense the chemistry between the two, and the way they looked at each other…

He dropped his head, a bittersweet smile spreading on his lips. _Would they ever get the timing right in this lifetime?_ he thought. He closed his eyes, trying to even out his now ragged breathing. Tears stung his eyes, but he couldn’t cry yet—not in public, anyway—and he felt crestfallen. He cussed destiny internally, momentarily hating the universe and himself, and then let out a slow, agonizing breath.

Then he looked up. Jiwon seemed happy, and that was what was important.

After a nod towards Jiwon’s direction, Jinhwan turned and walked away.

******

Jinhwan was about half a block away when he thought he heard someone calling his name.

“Jinhwan hyung!”

He stopped, and there it was again: “ _Ya! Kim Jinhwan!_ ”

Jinhwan turned around slowly, and just in time because someone crashed into him, wrapping him in a tight hug. A wave of comfort washed over him as a familiar scent wafted into his nose.

“Jiwon,” he whispered, and the arms that were around him tightened. Jiwon held him in the hug for a few more seconds before releasing him. 

“Where were you going? Why were you leaving?” There was a slight panic to Jiwon’s voice.  

“I, um… I just—” Jinhwan shook his head, unable to form his words. He looked at Jiwon helplessly, and Jiwon replied with an encouraging smile.

Jinhwan evaded Jiwon’s gaze. “You said to come find you. But… I don’t think you need me anymore.”

Jiwon chuckled. “What are you talking about, hyung? When will you get it in your head that I will always need you?” He dropped his head so that Jinhwan would look into his eyes. “Oh,” Jiwon said, awe in his voice, “you thought—Jinhwan hyung!” He laughed hard, so much so that his shoulders shook.

Jinhwan looked up, brows furrowed. “What?”

When Jiwon didn’t answer, Jinhwan gave him a hard shove, making Jiwon stagger. “Stop it.”

Jiwon recovered, wiping the happy tears that fell from his eyes because of his laughing. He pulled Jinhwan to his side, ruffling his hyung’s hair. And then he leaned closer to Jinhwan’s ear, whispering, “Hanbin is not my boyfriend.”

The frown on Jinhwan’s face deepened, confusion showing in his eyes. “I’m not dating,” Jiwon continued, “because I distinctly remember promising someone that we’ll find each other again, when the time is right.”

“Then who is this… Hanbin guy?” Jinhwan said, suspicious.

Jiwon made Jinhwan face him. “He’s one of my officemates—” Jiwon started to explain, but he stopped when he saw the older guy’s eyes narrow. He parried it with an amused grin. “Are you _jealous_?” he asked, his voice with equal awe. “This is a first.”

“Come on, Jiwon. Your body language and his body language don’t lie, okay? You guys got chemistry, and—”

Jiwon chuckled. “If I start dating all the people I have chemistry with—or whatever you think you saw—then you probably have a lot more people to be jealous of.” He turned serious, saying, “I think you have to think him like your Donghyuk. You guys got chemistry that fly off the charts and I picked a lot of fights with you because of him, but…” Jiwon’s voice trailed, shrugging.

“But you’re just friends.”

“Yep,” Jiwon said, ending the word with a satisfying pop.

Jinhwan sighed, running his hands through his hair. “I feel so silly. This is a stupid idea.”

“To what? To surprise me at my work?” Jiwon replied with an easy smile. “It sounds vaguely familiar. I think someone already made that kind of move.”

The older guy grunted, shaking his head. “You are hopeless.”

“Am I?” Jiwon said. He wanted to reach up and touch Jinhwan’s face, but they were still out on the street, and there were so many prying eyes. “Is it the right time for us now, Jinani?”

The softness in Jiwon’s voice and the tender way he said ‘Jinani’ made the older guy blush. “If you’ll have me.”

“Without a doubt,” Jiwon answered without a single moment of hesitation. He was about to pull Jinhwan towards him but Jinhwan stopped him, hands on Jiwon’s chest, suddenly shy.

“Not here,” he said, conscious that they were on the sidewalk and the foot traffic was high as it was almost lunchtime. They were already getting a few looks, two guys standing way too close to each other, eyes probably all lovey-dovey.  

Jiwon rolled his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh. “For the record: I wanted to kiss you and hold you because I missed you so much for the last two years. And in case anyone’s keeping track, I love you. Only you.”

“I’ll make note of that,” Jinhwan said, grinning. “And I love you, too.”

They gazed into each other’s eyes, and Jiwon settled for placing his hand on Jinhwan’s shoulder. Jinhwan had already dropped his hands to his side, aching to hold Jiwon in some way. “I promise not to screw this up.”

“I swear I won’t let you.”

Jinhwan licked his lips and Jiwon’s gaze shifted to them. A pained look crossed the younger guy’s face making Jinhwan laugh. “Do you think maybe we can sneak out a bit so I can kiss the hell out of your face?” Jinhwan asked, a mischievous smile playing on the lips that Jiwon was still staring at.

“My apartment’s fifteen minutes away. I’ll ask Hanbin to cover for me,” Jiwon said, licking his own lips. He looked up at Jinhwan, eyes full of excitement and hope. “I love you.”

“And I love you. Now _please_ get me out of here so I can love you in all the best ways?”

Jiwon didn’t need any more encouragement, grabbing Jinhwan by the arm, leading him to the nearest train station.

-THE END-

**Author's Note:**

> find me on Twitter: @kecachata  
> Curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/kecachata


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